So angry, but unable to do anything about it except cry

With the anger inside me, I feel like breaking the glass with tea beside on the floor real hard... I wanna hear the crash, I wanna see the spills, I wanna just make her angry. not just the tea glass, but all the glassware inside the kitchen...

But what will happen next? I will be the one getting punished.. 

She finds fault in all I do. 

Say something, wrong.

Keep quiet, also wrong

Skip school, wrong.

Prepare myself to go school, just that i got late, wrong.

Sleep late, wrong.

Irritated to hear my parents say, "always sleeping late", so slept early, also wrong.

I really wanna just get married, and run off to my husband's house. I really can't bear the torture of my mum. 

The above sentence is weird, but i just wanna leave this house ASAP.

She just expects me to be her slave, in the name of 'helping mum with household chores'. She expects too much. She wants to get things done her way, and wants me to know it and act upon it. 

Like just a few minutes ago, she had asked me to prepare tea, as I was preparing, I just asked her if I should add milk, as tea made in the morning, was awfully smelly. That question was the turning point. After that, she was all along beside me when I was doing tea. Then she asked why is the floor wet at the place she was standing. And totally blames it on me that I was washing my hands frequently and splattering them all over the floor. I denied and said how could I do that when she was standing there all the while?

I was being serious, but she teased me. So I just left her to do tea herself.

Just as I reached my chair in my room, she called me to take glasses. i just ignored there. then she called again, i just sat there, asking Rini to go. Rini, was doing what I did to my mum and asked me to go myself. Then she called for the third time whereby her tone which started off angrily, ended in a fake, sweet and nice tone, and asked my Dad, if he could hear how many times she have called me already.

At that moment, I HAD to go. I am always stuck in these kind of situations. Then she asked me to pour the tea, just as I took the glass that was near me, she said, "Filter first! Why? Don't I know how to do that? Just leave it, I will do it myself." I just waited as she poured the tea, and she asked me to bring the tea. 

I did as she told, and at I heard her say, 'Rini is the best!'...

Yeah whatever! Of course she will be the best if you shower all your love to just your second child! Of course she will be the best if my mistakes seem bigger than hers. Of course she will be the best if I get punished for the mistakes whereby she didn't for the same mistakes! Of course she will be the best if she is your child! And your one and only child!!!!

This is how affected I am. I would bot be surprised at all, when my parents reveal the fact that I am their adopted kid during my 21st birthday. I would not be surprised at ALL!!!!! Definitely, I knew it long ago, so I would not be single percent sad about it bit happy that what I thought to be true is so damn true!!!

And here I am, pouring out all my feelings, crying, sniffing all at the same time. 

Source:

http://www.wholelattelove.com/error.cfm

http://www.anh-usa.org/

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/

http://afkra.blogspot.sg/

A Mother's Love - Valentines Day Special

Assalaamu alaikum!

Today is Friday. 14th of February. Last official school day for me. And last presentation day as well.

So now I just need to be focusing on my exam revision. I haven't started any. But inshaa'allah will do so after this post.

So... Its the 14th of February. As most people all over the world celebrate, it is Valentines Day. Personally, I really feel there is nothing wrong in celebrating it. Forgive me Allah, if it is a sin. But, I feel that one should constantly shower his or her love upon their loved ones every single day, and maybe a little extra during this Valentines Day.

It is Valentines Day. So what have I got to say? I could only relate it to the love, my parents have for me. I have really noticed, for the past few years, without purposely loving and caring for me just around Valentines Day, I feel that the little things they do is what make me feel loved.

Before I begin to say my mother's love for me, I would like to share a little info about my mother. My mother. Basically most of the time me and my mother have fights, I would immediately think of posting all her tortures on my blog, just to ease my pain and maybe have some support from readers to feel that justified.

But all these fights just leave me getting so furious until... until I cry. Yes, the courage that made me talk back (talk back meaning reply back to my mother's question, with no bad intention and just to justify myself), so yeah, the courage that made me talk back, will eventually fade and transform into tears. I would feel so cowardly for crying over things where I am trying get justice.

As you can see, you would have realized that I am over-using the word 'justice', 'justify'. Yes, my mother is so different from me that we always have different opinions and ideas that clash with each other resulting in arguments. But, Rini is not like that. Most of my mother's genes have gone to Rini. As for my Dad's genes, well yes, there are his genes in me, whereby, I try to do good to others (self-praise, hahah!), we like similar tastes in food, have similar ideas and thoughts.

So, as I said in my earlier post (click here to go there), that I have been feeling down, it is because of school, and assignments, and as a result, I have been hating school, and have been skipping classes. This has made my parents upset, especially my mother. And just a few days back, she has been repeatedly telling me, "better go to school, stop thinking of ideas on how to skip school!", etc, etc, etc... She kept on and on and on and on (singing, can't remember which song though, hehe) I was so angry till I shouted "I AM GOING!!!"... Damn, I felt so bad after yelling that out, because each word just got louder as they exited my mouth. As I left the room, and hearing her still 'scolding me', tears flowed through, and just then my Dad walked past scolding my mother saying it was even irritating for him and asked her to keep quiet.

I did not know whether to feel happy that I have support from Dad, (which means that my mother was really irritating at that point of time, AND I was right, or what I was feeling was not wrong, and it surely makes a huge deal for me, as my Dad, do not really support anyone that easily, and if he does, definitely he sides with them!)

So after I finally left my home to school, I was really sad and thought whatever that happened at home. Why did I like scream at my mother? Allah s.w.t says that he is 70 times more merciful than a mother, but why can't I feel the mercy from my mother alone? Why is she so evil? I can't even feel the mercy from my mother, how am I going to feel the mercy from my Creator? These thoughts circulated my mind as I was walking towards the MRT station. Just then I felt a buzz from my handphone.

A SMS. From my mother. "I am very sorry dear", it read. I was shocked. I wanted to reply, "I am very sorry too my dear Mum", but I felt it would mean that she was also wrong, and I didn't want her to know that. Then I wanted to reply, "No, Mum, it is my fault, I should not have talked to you like that", but I felt it was not genuine enough, it looked fake. So "I am very sorry my dear Mum" was my reply. After sending, my eyes were filled with tears. "Oh Allah, You have shown me the mercy of a mother's love, I can't even handle this love, what I am to do when I can feel Your love?" was what I thought as I wiped my tear.

I then realised, I was too emotional. Though I may look strong, I get hurt easily by words and emotions. And hey, this is exactly my mother! This is the rare gene that I have gotten from her! She does not appear to be affectionate, as she puts on a bold front, but deep inside there is love. A mother's love <3

Source:

http://cinderellafactory.com

http://gamesareforchildren.com

http://twisterinfotech.com/

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Main_Page

http://annecarolinedrake.com/

http://www.fanpop.com/

- trials in life -

Assalaamu alaikum everyone!

I have been rather down these few days. I really have lost hope in life. I have been always getting problems which some might be due to myself, but I definitely make an effort to solve the problem. But otherwise, the problems I get seem to be solution-less. 

I always think back, why does this ever happen to me? Is there something wrong with me? Is it because of my sins? why? why? why? 

I have not been a good daughter. I have not been a good student. I have not been a good classmate. I have not been a good person accountable for my life.

What do I do? Just then I hear my Mother talking on the phone to her friends. "After coming to this path, we will definitely face problems. Problems from family, relatives, any kind of problem. It is to see who we turn to..." Then I realized all good and bad come from Him. Ihtizah, otherwise known as predetermined fate. We should take the negative parts of our life as our our ihtiza. 

But, to solve these problems, firstly, I would need to be a good Muslim. A good slave to my Owner. 

Inshaa'allah, these problems would soon be over. I would smile again. 

So I hereby, kind of take it as my goal:

- to pray the 5 daily prayers on time

- to make doa, or supplication to Allah

- to read the Qur'an at least once everyday

- do thikir

Very soon, I am going to end my life in polytechnic. After that, inshaa'allah I would be back with another post. Till then, please doa for me.. :)

Sources for images:  

yourstory.com

http://caregivercards.biz/