So angry, but unable to do anything about it except cry

With the anger inside me, I feel like breaking the glass with tea beside on the floor real hard... I wanna hear the crash, I wanna see the spills, I wanna just make her angry. not just the tea glass, but all the glassware inside the kitchen...

But what will happen next? I will be the one getting punished.. 

She finds fault in all I do. 

Say something, wrong.

Keep quiet, also wrong

Skip school, wrong.

Prepare myself to go school, just that i got late, wrong.

Sleep late, wrong.

Irritated to hear my parents say, "always sleeping late", so slept early, also wrong.

I really wanna just get married, and run off to my husband's house. I really can't bear the torture of my mum. 

The above sentence is weird, but i just wanna leave this house ASAP.

She just expects me to be her slave, in the name of 'helping mum with household chores'. She expects too much. She wants to get things done her way, and wants me to know it and act upon it. 

Like just a few minutes ago, she had asked me to prepare tea, as I was preparing, I just asked her if I should add milk, as tea made in the morning, was awfully smelly. That question was the turning point. After that, she was all along beside me when I was doing tea. Then she asked why is the floor wet at the place she was standing. And totally blames it on me that I was washing my hands frequently and splattering them all over the floor. I denied and said how could I do that when she was standing there all the while?

I was being serious, but she teased me. So I just left her to do tea herself.

Just as I reached my chair in my room, she called me to take glasses. i just ignored there. then she called again, i just sat there, asking Rini to go. Rini, was doing what I did to my mum and asked me to go myself. Then she called for the third time whereby her tone which started off angrily, ended in a fake, sweet and nice tone, and asked my Dad, if he could hear how many times she have called me already.

At that moment, I HAD to go. I am always stuck in these kind of situations. Then she asked me to pour the tea, just as I took the glass that was near me, she said, "Filter first! Why? Don't I know how to do that? Just leave it, I will do it myself." I just waited as she poured the tea, and she asked me to bring the tea. 

I did as she told, and at I heard her say, 'Rini is the best!'...

Yeah whatever! Of course she will be the best if you shower all your love to just your second child! Of course she will be the best if my mistakes seem bigger than hers. Of course she will be the best if I get punished for the mistakes whereby she didn't for the same mistakes! Of course she will be the best if she is your child! And your one and only child!!!!

This is how affected I am. I would bot be surprised at all, when my parents reveal the fact that I am their adopted kid during my 21st birthday. I would not be surprised at ALL!!!!! Definitely, I knew it long ago, so I would not be single percent sad about it bit happy that what I thought to be true is so damn true!!!

And here I am, pouring out all my feelings, crying, sniffing all at the same time. 

Source:

http://www.wholelattelove.com/error.cfm

http://www.anh-usa.org/

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/

http://afkra.blogspot.sg/

A Mother's Love - Valentines Day Special

Assalaamu alaikum!

Today is Friday. 14th of February. Last official school day for me. And last presentation day as well.

So now I just need to be focusing on my exam revision. I haven't started any. But inshaa'allah will do so after this post.

So... Its the 14th of February. As most people all over the world celebrate, it is Valentines Day. Personally, I really feel there is nothing wrong in celebrating it. Forgive me Allah, if it is a sin. But, I feel that one should constantly shower his or her love upon their loved ones every single day, and maybe a little extra during this Valentines Day.

It is Valentines Day. So what have I got to say? I could only relate it to the love, my parents have for me. I have really noticed, for the past few years, without purposely loving and caring for me just around Valentines Day, I feel that the little things they do is what make me feel loved.

Before I begin to say my mother's love for me, I would like to share a little info about my mother. My mother. Basically most of the time me and my mother have fights, I would immediately think of posting all her tortures on my blog, just to ease my pain and maybe have some support from readers to feel that justified.

But all these fights just leave me getting so furious until... until I cry. Yes, the courage that made me talk back (talk back meaning reply back to my mother's question, with no bad intention and just to justify myself), so yeah, the courage that made me talk back, will eventually fade and transform into tears. I would feel so cowardly for crying over things where I am trying get justice.

As you can see, you would have realized that I am over-using the word 'justice', 'justify'. Yes, my mother is so different from me that we always have different opinions and ideas that clash with each other resulting in arguments. But, Rini is not like that. Most of my mother's genes have gone to Rini. As for my Dad's genes, well yes, there are his genes in me, whereby, I try to do good to others (self-praise, hahah!), we like similar tastes in food, have similar ideas and thoughts.

So, as I said in my earlier post (click here to go there), that I have been feeling down, it is because of school, and assignments, and as a result, I have been hating school, and have been skipping classes. This has made my parents upset, especially my mother. And just a few days back, she has been repeatedly telling me, "better go to school, stop thinking of ideas on how to skip school!", etc, etc, etc... She kept on and on and on and on (singing, can't remember which song though, hehe) I was so angry till I shouted "I AM GOING!!!"... Damn, I felt so bad after yelling that out, because each word just got louder as they exited my mouth. As I left the room, and hearing her still 'scolding me', tears flowed through, and just then my Dad walked past scolding my mother saying it was even irritating for him and asked her to keep quiet.

I did not know whether to feel happy that I have support from Dad, (which means that my mother was really irritating at that point of time, AND I was right, or what I was feeling was not wrong, and it surely makes a huge deal for me, as my Dad, do not really support anyone that easily, and if he does, definitely he sides with them!)

So after I finally left my home to school, I was really sad and thought whatever that happened at home. Why did I like scream at my mother? Allah s.w.t says that he is 70 times more merciful than a mother, but why can't I feel the mercy from my mother alone? Why is she so evil? I can't even feel the mercy from my mother, how am I going to feel the mercy from my Creator? These thoughts circulated my mind as I was walking towards the MRT station. Just then I felt a buzz from my handphone.

A SMS. From my mother. "I am very sorry dear", it read. I was shocked. I wanted to reply, "I am very sorry too my dear Mum", but I felt it would mean that she was also wrong, and I didn't want her to know that. Then I wanted to reply, "No, Mum, it is my fault, I should not have talked to you like that", but I felt it was not genuine enough, it looked fake. So "I am very sorry my dear Mum" was my reply. After sending, my eyes were filled with tears. "Oh Allah, You have shown me the mercy of a mother's love, I can't even handle this love, what I am to do when I can feel Your love?" was what I thought as I wiped my tear.

I then realised, I was too emotional. Though I may look strong, I get hurt easily by words and emotions. And hey, this is exactly my mother! This is the rare gene that I have gotten from her! She does not appear to be affectionate, as she puts on a bold front, but deep inside there is love. A mother's love <3

Source:

http://cinderellafactory.com

http://gamesareforchildren.com

http://twisterinfotech.com/

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Main_Page

http://annecarolinedrake.com/

http://www.fanpop.com/

- trials in life -

Assalaamu alaikum everyone!

I have been rather down these few days. I really have lost hope in life. I have been always getting problems which some might be due to myself, but I definitely make an effort to solve the problem. But otherwise, the problems I get seem to be solution-less. 

I always think back, why does this ever happen to me? Is there something wrong with me? Is it because of my sins? why? why? why? 

I have not been a good daughter. I have not been a good student. I have not been a good classmate. I have not been a good person accountable for my life.

What do I do? Just then I hear my Mother talking on the phone to her friends. "After coming to this path, we will definitely face problems. Problems from family, relatives, any kind of problem. It is to see who we turn to..." Then I realized all good and bad come from Him. Ihtizah, otherwise known as predetermined fate. We should take the negative parts of our life as our our ihtiza. 

But, to solve these problems, firstly, I would need to be a good Muslim. A good slave to my Owner. 

Inshaa'allah, these problems would soon be over. I would smile again. 

So I hereby, kind of take it as my goal:

- to pray the 5 daily prayers on time

- to make doa, or supplication to Allah

- to read the Qur'an at least once everyday

- do thikir

Very soon, I am going to end my life in polytechnic. After that, inshaa'allah I would be back with another post. Till then, please doa for me.. :)

Sources for images:  

yourstory.com

http://caregivercards.biz/

First post of year 2014

Assalaamu alaikum! 2014 has begun... Everyone is celebrating it, wishing each other, or at least are happy about it. But here I am, "oh, its 2014, ok thanks for the information!" kind of feeling...

Okay lets leave that miserable feeling to 2013... 

So I am gonna start of the 1st post of 2014 with what I like which is GAMES!!! 

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2013 - GAMES

1. FASHION STORY

Well, I think I would have told you all that I am a gamer, so what's new in my game addiction? It is FASHION STORY by Teamlava games. I casually downloaded it to play, as I had gotten bored over (I can't remember well) some word, or card games. I have always loved to play games, that reward you for doing certain tasks, and this has been a truly enjoyable game so far!! 

There is a wall similar to Facebook, where you will be able to communicate to other players as well! Download it and surprise yourself! Some tips I would give for new players would be, do not waste your gems unnecessarily! Gems are rewarded very rarely so treasure them as real gems and use only, i mean ONLY when necessary.

This wall has been an excellent technology that now some players even hold contests such as avatar, boutique, or word contests!! How cool can that be? By the way, read the FAQs for more details, they contain details such as how long your stock can wait after it has arrived and so on. Okay, I have talked too much, lets go to the next game!

(a snapshot of my boutique!!!)

2. RESTAURANT STORY

Now some of those who were not moved to download the FASHION STORY, here is another game, well this may also interest the guys. But shockingly, I have realised that guys also play FASHION STORY!!! I realised this after reading random players walls.Its not that I am against guys who play that game but, I want to know why? 

Okay forget about it, but my bet is that guys will enjoy playing RESTAURANT STORY more! Because instead of ordering clothes, you cook food! I downloaded this game as I needed gems in FASHION STORY... It was a wonderful game but comes in 2nd after FASHION STORY! Note, if a task is shown without the 'milestone', or what do you call it, ah, 'progress bar' at the top, AND it requires to complete it within a certain time frame, you better hurry and complete the task, I mean do not take your own sweet time, because the next task would be shown after completing the 1st one. (this is one reason why I prefer FASHION STORY more) I have come to the stage where there are currently no goals for me to complete, so guess I would be leaving it during my school days. In FASHION STORY, I currently have two goals to complete, which are both to expand my boutique, so I am slowly saving up some money! Can;t wait to have a new interesting goal! 

(a snapshot of my restaurant, I took this pic just to feel happy about myself for filling up all the counters with food!! looks so rich and yummy!!!) 

3. PET SHOP STORY

Yeah you guessed it, why I downloaded this game, I needed the gems to buy clothes for me, I mean my avatar in FASHION STORY, as I was participating in a contest, and wanted to look good in it! (this is one example on how not to waste your gems) Actually, if you don't mind you can use it for good, but if you save upto 24 gems, you would be able to buy mystery boxes, where I guess, you would be able to catch hold of rare clothes, hairstlyes or displays for your shop for those who want your avatar and your boutique to stand out! I would want to buy one too, so that I can have cool hairstlyes!!

Okay back to PET SHOP STORY! It has been so far, but then again, gems!!! Especially in this game, TAKE EXTRA CARE ON HOW YOU USE YOUR GEMS! Because you would be needing them to buy pets and thus complete a goal! In this game unlike FASHION AND RESTAURANT STORY, you can't design your pet shop, I bet this has been one of Teamlava's first few games. 

(sorry, no pic, cos there is no camera option! as i told earlier, think they haven't come up with the camera feature, as it might be their early games)

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Yeah practically those three games are in my phone now. FS is the best, I am currently addicted to contests!!! RS is oh-kay, would be first choice for guys! PS is ohhh-kayyy cos it takes a long time to get your new pets ready, okay, either it really takes that long, or I am just being impatient!

FS is suitable for all girls!!! Unless you are those kind who would get addicted easily to games, or are too young, (young girls, you might get addicted, studies is important, so please play moderately!)

RS is suitable for guys and girls!!!

PS is suitable for adults, or very patient young players!!! I would say adults as since they are working most of the time, they could play this to take a break! They can also manage their time accordingly as the pets take about a few hours to a few days to be in your pet shop. 

Other Teamlava apps I have used is 'WORD SEARCH' (I have deleted it till they don't give me more gems in FS and RS), 'JEWEL MANIA' (similar to candy crush saga! Do not waste your boosters or gold as you may use them in difficult levels), 'WE PLAY' app, cos I wanted gems in PS to buy a new pet! 

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yep thats about it! I haven't tried bakery or dragon story though I hear people saying they are great games, as I do not want to add neighbours then abandon like how I am gonna abandon RS for now. But maybe I will try the out during hols or when I need gems!! Haha!! So meanwhile, if you wanna try out the games I have listed above, or for current players, if you need new neighbours, feel free to add me at this 

ID - Rohified

my name would be like this ~ rohi ~

download, play, be my neighbour, and have fun!!!!                                                                                          

Who wins? Mind or the Heart?

Assalaamu Alaikum n hies everyone!

Dilemma situation i'm always in..
Should i do the right?
Should i do the wrong?

It doesn't appear wrong when I feel that it gives me happiness..

I feel that if I do what the heart desires, i feel happy, but its actually wrong
I feel that if I do what the mind demands, i feel as though i'm disappointing those around me

In the end, I always choose the demands of the mind as I'm structured that way (meaning I don't deserve the credits, if it leads to good, it is Allah's design of how I should be) and also because I was created to obey Allah's commands, and lead the life the way Rasul (s.a.w) lived..

Inshaa'allah, Allah, Rasul (s.a.w) and my Sheikh will definitely show me the true path for being this way...

A lil bit here and there, some chapters...

Hey everyone! Been away for so so soooooooo long! Yeah I know, I have been abandoning my bloggy for some time, reason, laziness, want to write but write it nicely and not like anyhow, so no time for that, okay so practically its just laziness, lets end it with that.

Okay, so life's been going quite interesting I must say in the time period from where I last left till now.. So, Hari Raya's over, Exams over, Internship is over, Results are out, School has started, Hari Raya Haji is over... hmm what else? Yeah basically these are my milestones or shall I say chapters of my life which have been missed out since my last post. So let me recap and let you all know what happened... :)

Hari Raya

To date I honestly can't remember what was so special? Either it was the usual Hari Raya outing, OR nothing pleasant happened and hence I can't remember, OR I am just too forgetful. Seriously, I cannot even remember what was my Hari Raya outfit.. Was it pink? I remember going to mosque that morning, and Rini had been teasing me saying that I belonged to the Malay guy group who were all wearing pink. But I only could remember an old Baju Kurong that was pink, and definitely I was not wearing that. End of topic.

Exams

Yeah I can remember abit of this period. Wow I sound like an dementia patient or a coma patient who have like lost all the memories and is recovering slowly!! hahah!! Okay so this time was abit stressing in my life! Actually the time period before my exams were most stressing. The Project Saga! Everyone had their own expectations of everyone. But their own expectations were thought of as the most priority or something. I mean there was not even a fair share of or what do they say? Is it, 'everyone had their say?' ? Is that what you call it? Okays nevermind! So there was abit of hoo haa, but once it was over, IT WAS OVER!!! YAY!!! :D Then exams... You could let a sigh of relief for me when you read those two words. Because, exams are way more easier to handle! (of course! it is your own exam and you are not affecting anyone else if you were to fail!) Actually of course I would be affecting myself and my family. (now suddenly I have this good thought which I didn't think of then!) Yeah, so exams went like exams as usual. Nothing much to say for this. End of topic.

Next is? Scrolls up, ah Internship!!! Wow I really had a different image on my mind when I thought of internship. Like am I going to lag behind, something like what if I didn't know how to use the printer, what if I spoilt something?

Then it began, and it was not that bad after all! Though my colleagues hated their job, I really enjoyed what I was doing!! (maybe it was the 'honeymoon' period as what some will say) But whatever it was I really was happy doing my job. It was like okay, maybe I feel this way cos... I'm abit old-fashioned... shhhh, keep it a secret!! I have a little mindset like those from my parents era. So I was like loving my job and was like working hard, because need to respect the superiors, the job, and do the job assigned diligently cos you are getting $$$ for what you are doing, so there should be enough value in it. I do not think that everyone in this era (<-- is this even the right word to describe? no right? haha I know, but it sounds so cool, but just go with the cool flow, and do not take it literally to be an era, okay?)

Yeah so I feel that many people are like talking or are even being like heck care attitude these days. These are all from what I heard and seen in TV and media, so if its not true, kudos to you that you belong to the same group as me!!! I even felt cool wearing all the cool office outwear (mine were not soo cool though, thanks to my mother, who does not buy me office outwear!!!) and being professional!!! I even thought if someone were to make a deal with me to exchange 3 years of my school life with 3 or 4 years of doing internship, I would graciously take the internship offer!!! I am not choosing it because I am getting $$$ which eventually goes to my mother, or into my bank account, you may be gasping at this moment but seriously I do not see the value in money though I know that it has a value and should not be treated lightly. Either I am still immature or this is just me. So I am choosing the second option because I enjoy what I do, yes people always say this, but what exactly? I enjoy the train journey to my work, where I can sit and sleep for about an hour, no sweating, no laptop to be carried, no walking long distances after every 2 hours, ah the simple pleasures of life!!!

I still think back of my company, my colleagues and all the small funny incidents! I even understood how hard it would be for my Father all these years. 9-5 job is nothing easy. There is like less time to 'play' during the day and during weekends it would be like 'yay no job today, I'm just going to spend it for myself!' something like that, but who else can't stand me being free? My mother, always asking me and Rini to do something once we come back home or during the weekends!!! So basically internship was like an awesome memory in my life!!! End of topic...

Results

Then in the midst of all the internship excitement came my results!!! I felt nothing about it when I saw it... Because, I don't know... I mean, okay let's just leave it as it is... I really hope to do well in my current semester!!! End of topic...

School!!!

After internship was over, I had mixed feelings, sad that it was over, and also happy because I had at least a 1 week break before my school... How I wished I could just go back to my office instead of my school!!! School is currently going fine! Definitely it is better than last semester, because I get to see many more of my classmates frequently, and hence I have alot in my mind, and hence if there are like depressing thoughts, it is much more easier to divert the focus... (I should be thinking about Allah, and hence life would not be stressful, but Inshaa'allah I will try to think of Him often!) End of topic...

Hari Raya Haji

This year it was different! Instead of at my granny's place, we had it at my uncle's home! I expected it to be more fun but it was the opposite because my cousins all arrived so late! But one thing that made me happy was my outfit!!! It was a trendy lace Baju Kurong!!! Mine was the orange version, while Rini's was grey, (we wanted blue instead of grey, but no more stock, and we were rushing) and so the top had the lace, while the skirt is all so flowy!!!! Flowy means, not like what you are thinking now, it was flowy to the MAX!!!! I realised its maxi flowiness when my mother had dried it on the bamboo pole, and the skirt dropped till the ground so imagine it as a 90 degree flowiness!!! Yeah so it was all so beautiful when we walked because when you walk, it just flows along!!! So pretty!! Then after lunch and meeting my cousins, we left. End of topic....

Oh my, I just realised how long this post was.. I will try to keep it short next time, Inshaa'allah!! Till then buh-bye everyone!!! :D

The Ultimate Goal in Life

Assalaamu alaikum everyone! 

Wow it had been so many days since I returned to my blog. And to see 112 page views is simply an awesome feeling. Alhamdulillah!

Well, the reason for the absence is due to... what do you think? Yes, you got it right!! School!! Been so busy with school, projects, assignments and sooooooo on. Today I had my second last presentation in school. And the final presentation will be next week, so I decided yesterday that I would pop by today to write a post. 

And so, here I am.

Well, even though its supposed to be catch up session of my absence (omg, absence sounds damn weird and scary, let me change it to, hmm..) since its supposed to be catch up session of whatever happened when I was away from my blog, (sounds better right?) today I changed my mind to write up a post about something which happened today.

So today, as I said earlier, had my second last presentation. In the morning, after the usual routine of watching my Sheikh's bayan, I wanted to start up on my presentation. But the program started late, and then after the program ended, I decided to take a nap for a short while, before starting on my presentation.

Had set several alarms on my handphone, and happily went to sleep. My 1st alarm went off, and as usual, I snoozed it and went back to my sleep convincing myself that I would get up at the next alarm. And this went on till my last alarm, and at this moment, thinking that if I chose to dismiss my alarm than to snooz it, I would be telling it in my mind to 'get up, get up, get up, time to prepare your presentation!!!'. 

But I didn't. I slept. Till a moment, where I realised that I hadn't convinced myself to get up, and quickly saw the time on the clock. 1 hr to go before I should leave my home to go to school!

I hurried, but now and then a stupid confidence that I would be able to complete it on time, and that nothing would happen in a negative way.

I was wrong.

I had started my presentation slides, now and then, candy crush crossing my mind to just play one life and get back to work. But I didn't. Alhamdulillah! Then played with my hair for awhile, this is where some of minutes went. Then hurriedly doing my presentation. Finally finished, it was like normal looking, nothing too good, nothing too bad. But still a bit below standard than what I wanted it to be. (sometimes I can be a bit of a perfectionist, yeah as I stated in my 1st post. But the thing is I act opposite of it. Either I want it to be done perfect, or just plain lazy. And yes, most of the time I do the latter. Shhhs (to myself) I should not be revealing too much of my flaws)

Okays so, yeah set off to school. Reached late. Wasted more time due to my carelessness. I was the third to present, and Alhamdulillah, I reached just as the 1st presenter was ending off his presentation. 

When finally, my turn came, I went in front, made dua that I should present well. Then as my Sheikh had taught me, said to myself, no no, Allah had made me say that everyone is non-existent, Allah you are the only existent! And started off. 

I don't know, I always read off from the slides. I know that shouldn't be the way, but yeah this is the lazy me.  (perfectionista me, would have stated a few brief sentences on the slides, and after a glance at the slides, would have recalled what should be said and explain in own words to the audience) Sigh, I should really work upon reaching and being my perfectionista self.

Yeah, and the teacher had found out that my presentation was not up to standard, and even asked me straight, Allah made me tell the truth that yes, it was not my standard level of presentation and that I had just recently started to work upon it.

I felt so terrible, after hearing that she was really disappointed in me. And the rest of them had been way better than me! They had their slides so interactive, so so like my perfectionista me.

After everyone had presented, I set off for home. 

On the way home, I was thinking about what happened earlier. I was very sad. I had thought it was okay, how was I to know that others would have done it so much more better? But still, I shouldn't be blaming others, and instead should be blaming myself. Definitely there are hidden talents in people that could not be seen just by seeing the person.

I was thinking, thinking and thinking. Thinking that I should have prepared it or would prepare it in the future if any task is given, I would start immediately upon it. 

Thinking, what had happened to the girl who did so well during her younger days. Studied well during exam days. What happened to that girl? Where did she go? Was she like that because there was no Internet at that time? Was she like that, as she did not have a laptop? Was she really like that because of all those reasons?

Thinking about what I was going to be in the future. At the rate and state I was currently in my education path, where would it lead me to in the future? Can I land in a respectable job? Can I land in a job that doesn't make me appear in a empathetical state?

Then this thought came. This moment was the turning point in my thoughts. I began to think what I was like really doing? I had been doing my thikir! Yes, remembering Allah! My Sheikh had said that if you get Allah, you have gotten everything. Yes! I should be doing my thikir consistently, and remember my Creator for what He has given me. Healthy body, 2 hands, 2 legs, sight, hearing ability, speech, and most of all a life! Life to remember Him! To worship Him!

Then a sudden boost in confidence that with my thikir, Allah would not make me look in a poor state among others. Furthermore, after being a mureed, to my Sheikh, I should be doing thikir as ordered by him. And voila, inshaa'allah everything would turn out well. 

Who cares about education in dunya when you are aiming for the future in jannah! Yes, even though it is still important to study, 1st priority goes to Him. Then the rest. I realised that I was going in the right track. I was going towards a life aimed at the future.

I felt happy. I have found the ultimate goal in life! :)